Dear Dad,
It's been 5 months and 18 days since you went home. Time moves quickly yet seems so slow. Right now, I'm going through the motions of life. Numb. I have my ok days and have my rough ones. But every day, I miss you.
Yesterday was Father's Day... a day I was dreading. Cause it just reminded me that you weren't here. We went over to your house to visit with Mom. She is getting by as best as she can. Your family has been taking excellent care of her. You would be so proud and grateful. I know they all miss you something terrible. You are a missing link in their chain. But they all love talking about the good times.
As I walk around the house, I still expect to hear your voice calling me for something. Or to see you sitting in the living room watching TV. I try to keep busy when I'm there so as to not think about it. But yesterday was hard. I just stared at the picture mom has of you and her in the living room, and I just wanted to hug you. I never knew how much I would miss your hugs until now that I can't have one.
I gave Mom a gift yesterday that I was planning on giving to both of you on your Anniversary this year. Remember last year when I found all your wedding cards? I put them together in a book for you both. At the time when I was planning this, I had no idea you wouldn't be with us otherwise I would have given it to you sooner. Mom loved it and cried. I know she misses you so much. I know things weren't always perfect between you two, but I was so glad to see you both clinging to each other in the end.
I wasn't able to go visit your grave yesterday, but I will do so this week. The heat and humidity has been horrible. Everyone's grass is dying because of the lack of rain. I know you would be raising hell about the grass dying haha! But you should see how Mom has the back yard patio set up. New chairs, new umbrella and new flowers. I know how much you used to love to go out there & sit in the mornings before it got hot. Mom loves doing that now too.
We had a good visit yesterday. We got BBQ from Sugar Fire cause it was just too hot to cook. Mark really wanted some ribs. I know yesterday was hard on him too cause he misses you so much. I still remember the first Father's Day we were together (2002) and he came over to the house. He brought me a fan to use in my room cause it always got so warm, but he also had a card in his hand. You saw it and decided to joke with him. Since it was Father's Day, you grabbed it and saw, "Aww.. a card for me? Thank you!" Mark just stood there looking at you with a smile on your face. Then you looked at the card and realized it actually WAS a card for you for Father's Day. There weren't many times in my life that I saw you at a loss for words, but that was one of them. I still laugh thinking about that day. Just how shocked you were that my boyfriend (at the time) gave you a Father's Day card. That's should have told you then he was something special haha!
I miss our talks Dad. I miss coming over to the house and just sitting next to you to chew the fat. Get updated on all the goings on in town. Let you share with me the latest "Let's Eat" article from the St. Louis Post Dispatch. And then tease me about you watching Christmas movies outside of Christmas time. I know you enjoyed our talks as much as I did. We had gotten to a point in our relationship where we could be open and honest. It wasn't easy, and sometimes we would disagree, but we would get through it... and you would change the subject haha! But I do miss talking to you Dad. I miss making you laugh with movie quotes. And I miss our meal times.
Things are even more rough right now. Teddy's health finally couldn't take anymore, and we had to make the tough decision to put him down on June 7th. Next to losing you, this was the hardest thing I ever had to do. But I held Teddy the whole time. I held him past the point of him being gone. I just couldn't let go. The vet was so wonderful, letting us stay with him as long as we needed. Sancia had such a hard time with the whole thing. She just screamed and cried. I know it would have broken your heart. And Mark, oh poor Mark. He cried so hard. He didn't expect to have such a reaction, but he loved Teddy more than he realized. I know he is up there with you keeping you company. Just like you, he is finally feeling no pain. I miss him terribly though. I can't remove his bed from the living room. It hurts to much. He was always around me every where I went. So my days feel so empty. I know you felt the same way when Tigger had to be put down. Ole Ralph as you would call him. I know he is also keeping you company right now. If you would have been here, I know you would have hugged me as I cried. Knowing how hard it would have been for me. This year is just so hard...
I hope you got to enjoy your first Father's Day with your Dad in over 20 years. And I hope you and everyone didn't create too much of a ruckus in Heaven haha! Hug Papa for me. And know that I miss you both so very much. I'm blessed for the time I got to have with both of you. And am looking forward to seeing you both again one day. But until then...
I will still miss you like hell.
Happy Father's Day
No comments:
Post a Comment