This is going to be a year of firsts. The first year after someone passes, to me, is the hardest. Because you are experiencing their loss over and over in the form of doing or experiencing certain events without that person. And it just hits right out of the blue. You don't even have to think about it. It just creeps up on you and you are like, "Oh my gosh, they aren't here when they should be." Today was one such day.
Ever since the pandemic started, mom and dad never left the house. For good reason. Dad''s health was fragile. So the last time they came over was at Christmas of 2019. Since then, they have had not left the house except for doctor appointments. At first, mom would do some grocery shopping, but then I took that role over so mom could stay home with dad.
As time wore on, his health got worse and the pandemic continued to rage on. Dad had originally planned on trying to come over for Thanksgiving this past year but ended up in the hospital. Then he had hoped he would make it for Christmas. But his health went fast. And as you may have seen in his birthday video I uploaded to youtube, he didn't have much strength. I know it really upset him that he could not come out, but we made Christmas wonderful.
Today, we decided to have mom come over for a little get together. She hadn't had a chance to see my Christmas decorations yet (Yes they are still up, don't judge me) nor had she seen her grand-dog in over a year. So she came out. She loved the decorations, enjoyed the delicious food (and dessert), and had good conversations... but something was missing... and this would be one of the firsts we would experience.
This is the first visit mom was making to the house... without dad. She drove dad's truck over, but he wouldn't be getting out of it. It was like a punch in the gut, stealing the air out of my lungs. And I think the one that really noticed it the most, was my dog, Teddy. After mom walked up the driveway, he greeted her and then turned to look behind her. He walked down the driveway confused. He was looking for dad. He saw the truck and he knew that when that truck was in the driveway, dad was there. But this time, he was not.
Mom has gone home now, and I'm sitting here just in tears as the reminder washes over me... Dad will not be coming over again. The realization is suffocating. But it is something I have to work through. To experience. To let the grief pass through me, so I can let it go. Like I said, this is going to be a year of firsts, so I know I am going to experience this many more times as the year rolls on. And probably for many years to come. But I know each year, it will hurt a little less. The sting of his absence will hurt a little less with each passing year. Although it will always be there, it will be just a little more bearable. Like I told my daughter, it hurts so much because we loved so much.
There will be more blog posts documenting the firsts I will be experiencing this year, mostly because it's therapeutic. But I do want to document these moments as it is a part of my life. So bear with me as I grief. It's a process...
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