Dad,
Yesterday was kind of a rough day. I felt emotional as soon as I got out of bed. Went through my day feeling melancholy; just down. I talked with mom in the morning, like I do just about every morning now. She was feeling a lot of emotions. She talks to you a lot. I know she has a lot to say, heh. As I was coming home from the store last night, it all of a sudden hit me why I was feeling like this. The next day would be one month since you passed.
One month... gosh it doesn't feel like it. It seems like it was just yesterday that I talked to you on the phone. Or went to see you at the house. At the same time, it feels like forever since I heard your voice; gave you a hug. I'm grateful I have your voice recorded on video and audio. I haven't listened to them though. I know Aunt Patty said she wasn't ready to listen to them yet.
Dad, we miss you so much. You have no idea how many miss you. I've still got people finding out about your passing and they are just broken-hearted, like the rest of us. It's hard trying to re-arrange your life after you have devoted so much time to taking care of someone. I am still having a hard time getting on a new schedule. I keep telling myself, "It's ok. Your grieving. It's a process." And the truth is, I don't like it. I don't like it one bit.
Mom and I both tell each other we will both be ok in time. Just not right now. I mean, yeah we don't have to worry about you anymore. We know you are safe and pain-free. We don't have to worry about going out and bringing Covid back to you. We are still being safe for each other sake, but the overwhelming fear of "What if we bring something back to dad" is not there anymore. But the fact that you're gone still hurts like hell.
Yeah, I have some ok days. Days where I'm not balling my eyes out. Days where I get quite a bit accomplished. Days where the grief is not drowning me. I go on cause I have to. If that's one thing you taught me is you gotta do what you gotta do. And I am.
I'm not going to lie, there is one thing I am looking forward to doing. And that's going through all that stuff in the basement. Yes, your stuff. I finally get a chance to go through it and organize it. I know it always brought you so much anxiety when I would move your stuff. Even if I was just trying to help. I just wish we could have gone through it together so we could talk about things. But I know that is not something you could do nor did you want to do. I've accepted that. So I will go through everything myself, sort it, preserve it, and do whatever I need to do to it. The garage will be the next project. I can just hear you telling God, "Oh no I need to go back down there and tell them not to touch my tools!" Haha!!
Dad you don't have to worry anymore. We've got it covered. You just spend time with the family. I will take care of mom and everyone else down here. We are going to go see you on Valentine's Day. I don't know if your headstone will be placed yet, but we will see. I just know we miss you so much, dad. We always will. I still dream about talking to you. It feels so real. I'd like to think you are coming down to visit me, but I know it's just my mind wishing it were true. Although, I will still yell at you when it's necessary. And there are times it has been necessary haha! But I will be alright. I will get by. Until I have to yell at you again. haha! I love you dad...
One month down... many more to go...
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