Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Families Aren't Perfect - Random Ramblings

I think this is the biggest understatement ever. There is not one family that is perfect. Everyone has secrets and problems. If you go through your tree and only expect to find happy stories, then you are in for a surprise. I've always known about certain things in my family. My dad is a recovering alcoholic, his dad was an alcoholic as well (But by the time I came around he was recovering), depression runs on my mom's side of the family, etc. I've known for a long time we are not perfect. Sadly though, back in September, I learned some more information about my family that really knocked the wind out of me. Things I can not share because the parties it involves are still living. I made this post about it when I found out:

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about some things and just wanted to share something I've learned. It's so easy to romanticize people's lives and stories and how you think their lives may have been like. It's part of the desire to research sometimes I guess. But you gotta be careful. Too much assuming and playing things up in your head can lead to a huge crash of reality that is hard to recover from. I went into this journey knowing fully I may come across things in ...my family that are hard to accept. (Slavery, murder, illegitimate children, etc) And I've been OK with the things I've learned. Up until now. Over the past month, I've learned some things about my family that has shaken me up a bit. I guess it's more because I've been led to believe one thing about my family and am finding out there have been many lies and secrets about how our family really is. And it has effected all the way down to someone very close. *sigh* I guess I'm trying to say I understand when people say it's hard for them to accept some things in their family's past. I used to say, well it happened, it's in the past, accept and move on. I'm finding it's not that easy. I know I will eventually be able to accept these things and move on. Just not today. So please be prepared when doing your research. It's not always going to be flowers and rainbows. I've always been a romantic at heart and it hurts to see the cold hard truth.

So I have been unintentionally becoming the keeper of family secrets. While my grandma was alive, I found out that her parents got pregnant out of wedlock and had to move out of state to get married and have my grandma to hide what happened. I learned this from the records I came across. They kept this fact a secret to the point of writing family records with their marriage record being a year before it actually was. And celebrated their anniversaries accordingly. I do not know if my grandma ever knew and I never wanted to tell her just in case. She passed away in 2015, so now I can publicly post about it. But that's not all.

With everything I keep coming across, I am going to have to start writing a journal of just secrets, only to be viewed after my death. Just to ensure all living relatives will be long gone by then. This new information I have learned has led me to want to ask more questions to find out how deep this goes, but I can't ask anything without possibly revealing some truths and dredging up old pain. So these questions may never be answered.

The biggest and hardest truth I had to face was about my grandma. She was not the kind lady I once knew her to be. That is a hard statement to make. I know there are people who believe you shouldn't speak ill of the dead, but truth is truth, and you can't ignore it. I love my grandma with all my heart and always will. But learning more about her has really been hard. Granted we have wonderful moments of great memories, but just like finding out someone you love had a secret life, it's hard finding out some truths about my grandma's actions in the past. Like I stated, no one is perfect. But when you think someone is one way and realized you were lied to about how they were and who they were.....

I know I'm cycling. What it comes down to, no one is perfect. And you can't expect that from people. Hiding things from those closest to you doesn't protect people. It only hurts them when they find out they have been lied to. And we are going through some of this right now with other family. Keeping secrets, not facing truths, hiding things, pretending to be perfect. It hasn't helped anyone. All it has done is caused pain. Facing truths and working through them are the only way to heal and make things better. I feel that deep in my heart. I've watched for years people not talk things out or face things, and it has almost torn them apart and hurt those around them. Is it easy? By all means, NO! But it is worth the risk if makes a better relationship.

Just random thoughts going on in my head right now as the holidays are approaching. It used to be a time where I looked forward to getting together with all my family. Now it is a time I dread. It breaks my heart. Maybe one day, even though none of us are perfect and will continue to make mistakes, we can work through things and enjoy time with each other again.

The ellusive Nicholas Buer

Ever since I began my research on the Buer family, Nicholas C Buer has been my brick wall. I haven't been able to find much on his life, although I have not gone to the county he lived in to research. Most of my research, as of this date, has been limited to Ancestry.com. So what follows is what I currently know. Hopefully I will be able to post an update with more information once I find out more.

I have been able to trace him back to his marriage to Sophia Spitz on 23 May 1858. The record has his name recorded as "Nicholas Boner" and her name as "Sophia Spetes". They were married in Jefferson County by Robert Hunt, a Justice of the Peace. From there, I have them in the 1860 and 1870 Census. The 1860 Census has their last name being "Pour". After a recent conversation with a possible relative, she told me that they used to spell the last name "Buer" as "Bour", so that possibly backs that up. The 1870 Census has them recorded with the last name of Nicholas, instead of Buer. From these records, I know he was born around 1824 in France and he was a blacksmith. Until recently, I had his death range that spanned from 1870-1874. This information was based on his wife, Sophia, getting married to a George Kochner. Now, based on the probate record that was recently made available on Ancestry.com, I know he passed away before 7 Sept 1870 in Jefferson County. (That was the date on the Probate record) That helped narrow it down. So as you can see, my knowledge of his life is limited.